In an effort to fill the bus to capacity with pups who want a lift to "Go There," the SOAP researchers have tried to make the bus more rider-friendly. Any and all feedback on bussing should be directed to our "Rider Relations" department. Buckle up and enjoy.

Helpful Definitions for Getting from Here to There

Since the bus travels on the power of YOUR suggestive innuendos, the what, where and how of bus riding are always in flux. LilZon has won the First Seat Award ("Shotgun Trophy" for any pups at bus stops in hillbilly land) for capturing the essence of the bus with these basic definitions:

Go There:

verb, to take a seemingly innocent word/phrase/situation and proceed straight (so to speak) to the gutter (or lower in some cases). (See appendix, re: Kiser)

The Bus:

noun, preferred transportation when pups want to "go there" en masse. This virtual transport has over time been enhanced and now sports a number of creature comforts, including an endless supply of bubble wrap, the "go there" material of choice.

Kiser:

aaiiee, (for exact etymology, ask the Consort or the Teases who provided this image) a level so far below gutter that Missy's "half-alt" scenes would be riding in a blimp over the 10th story penthouse over the gutter, which is at least 3 levels above Kiser-level

Consort:

beta, um....not going there with a definition

Original Bus History

How did so many pups get on the Bus?

Although the origins of Buslore are steeped in mythical obscurity, one of the first mentions of pups touring by bus can be found at the end of:

SOAP's favorite ways to combat Santa Monica Convention Withdrawal Symptoms:

• track down your local nanotech expert and get your corporeal self reconfigured into a friendly, petite viral form.....then lay out on the nano beach provided by Merwolf and wait for Dar and Kerry's return

• drive to North Carolina (take whatever route will ensure icy roads) and rebuild a transfer station overnight

• flock to the bards and express your undying appreciation

• run an online montage-design workshop that and offer shrunken heads as incentives

• try to read half as much new FF as Lunacy.....I dare you

• buy a ring....think about giving it to someone

• transform your household plumbing to create the ultimate shower

• take a flight and join a club

• start planning for Storming Orlando '99--the Missy Homebase Tour (This is NOT a drive-by!)

• Yes, the Missy Homebase Tour was the first bus mission in recorded history. As with so many corners of our obsession....it began with Alpha.

Bus Passes

The Bus runs on pure Go There (tm) Power by Merpup Technologies (a division of SOAP). Some of the main Go There Bus routes run through the mailing lists so hop on board at any time. Pups are able to generate their own tokens by creating innuendos. It should be noted that the tokens are subtle and that swinging two by fours can occassionally derail the bus. If you get on the bus frequently, you might want to consider a commuter pass. This can be arranged through "Rider Relations."

Bus Stops

Wheels aren't the only thing going round on the Merpup Go There Bus. Incidentally, the bus runs on a cleanly fueled (well, mostly) that is calibrated to find "alt fic and gutters." In the summer, of course, we switch to a higher octane and the engine is geared to "Amazonian Ice and Kiser-fiction." But I digress.

The bus stops are not difficult to recognize. Most of them are located at gutter level. And you can always flag the bus down. Just be creative <wink> During peak times, Go There shuttles run between here and There frequently. At a popular bus stop near Portland, Oregon but distant from extra copies of the April issue of Maxim, a certain perky tour guide is often loitering one foot on the curb, one foot in the gutter.

The major stops on the Go There Bus are listed below, with more being added every day. The names below have been physically altered to protect the last tatters of innocence of the participants. In some cases, the names were changed just for pretense.

Llach Stop and Jump:

The first bus stop is acutally an official, registered hysterical landmark. There was some question about the existence of the Llach Stop, but rumours of sightings kept the legends alive for the bus to go there and investigate. To get off at this stop a special Guinness token is required. While the origins of the Llach Stop are clouded in myths, the SOAP researchers did find this account:

Blancamange:

Hmm... Llach, so "the left top corner of the groin area, just about the edge of the hairline, it's a relatively painless area" to get a tattoo, uh? And, "ahem" how would... you know, how would you know about that?

Llachness Monster:

Buy me a beer in Orlando and I'll show you.... Seriously, that's where one of mine is... but to be honest the hairline wasn't there originally. <G>

J. ROARey:

It only takes one beer to get you to bare this? <eg>

Alpha Twinnie:

Llach, I think you walked right into that one. (G) Let me know if you need a compress for the nosebleed.

Regina Laur, conductor of Been There Tours, Inc.:

All aboard for a tour of the great wide open....next stop.....the mobile hairline.

P. Queensbury:

<LOL!> and that would be somewhere south of ....say, Twin Peaks?

Directions to the navigator pup by Llachness Monster:

Nah, just north of The Big Valley.

P. Queensbury (to navigator pup):

Wohoooooo! With a land mark like that, we cant miss! Of course, we could be so preoccupied with our faces pressed against the windows....

Excerpt from an actual Been There Tours black box log.

Driver to home base:

Yes.....the pups are preoccupied....with their faces pressed against the "window." I'm glad there is air conditioning on this bus.

Driver to Tour Participants:

OK, Twin Peaks are just becoming visible on your right, but we'll swing around the Yosem-bilical Valley and get back on track.

Shortly after that last relay the Go There Bus swerved sharply. It seems that an attempt was made to pass the bus keys to a pup higher on the official chain of command....

Driver:

Hoppy....go ahead and take over.

Commander Hop:

Oh no you don't. I'm not going to touch that with ten foot pole (but then we men do like to exaggerate). Oh no, I did it anyway! Missy forgive me, I couldn't help it! "The woman made me do it." (Well, it worked for Adam.) Over and out from the pup who is keeping his nose and every other body part out of this hole discussion!

The hysterical landmark was originally set for a spring unveiling in Orlando, but the word had been circulated in the form of leaked information from a Secret Bard Society meeting at Santa Monica in late January.

Leaked from SBS meeting:

Llachlan reached in and pulled out a pair of black bikini rubber undies. She grinned and remarked that she'd been thinking lately about roles and tattoos, and if anyone wanted to buy her a beer she would delve further into the subject.

Reported on-site from the lair of the Llachness Monster:

Llach looked at the monitor in disbelief, then trepidatiously unbuttoned her baggy Gap Khakis to check the contents. "Whew."

Relieved to find her Au Natural style raw silk Joe Boxers still hugging her hips, she she sat back in her office chair to read some more merpup missives. Upon finding the next message she realized that the Big Valley joke might not have been such a good idea.

"I gotta stop reading these newest to oldest," she muttered in consternation

Her words fears were confirmed as a bus load of tourists, noses pressed to the window zoomed by. "Oh Gods..." she groaned, "my reputation is shot."

Later, defending herself from the early release of the stop location, a naturally conservative Llachness Monster was overheard claiming:

Just checking to make sure my conventional comfy boxers hadn't defected and morphed into something black and made of rubber. Fool Hardy you slay me...my rep is in tatters. Though I bet nearly opaque bubble packing would look damn good on someone - and imagine how much fun you could have popping the bubbles and revealing....whoa.

Please crunch some ice and recover from the first stop before continuing onward--more from There to come down here in the near future.