The Original Soap Notes

Actual Laboratory Conversations from the break room of the Olfactory Research Division of S.O.A.P. (Science of All Pleasures) Foundation.

**Names have been altered to protect the identity of the researchers.

SUDS: Well, I took a shower with Xena this morning, I mean, ahh, (blush) I took a shower....ah with the cinnamon/nutmeg soap from the Body Shop. Yeah, that's it. Tomorrow I plan on taking a shower with Gabrielle, I mean, ah, with Strawberry soap...ah, geez, you know what I mean.

LATHER: I think you just outlined the purification ritual for the Order of the MerwolfPack. Now the 2 dinar question is, do you ever mix the....soaps?

SUDS: No, I have not mixed up the soaps, but I did notice they seemed to
be leaning closer together later and seemed to have worked up quite a lather. ????????? What could that mean?

LATHER: I think the resulting little soap ball will have a bright silver hue and an apple scent that is just laced with cinnamon and strawberry. I'm not sure what it would be called, but I think the naming could lead to quite a discussion in the scientific community.

SUDS: I'll let you know if it was just gratuitous lather, you know, lather for it's own sake, or if there is soapy progeny.

LATHER: My guess is that I just need to wash my mind out that's probably an image you didn't want. Good luck--and remember that you control the lather.

SUDS: First the Crusader spoiler and now this.....I just went in to see the strawberry snuggled up with a bar of Caress and the Cinnamon/Nutmeg off all alone. There wasn't much lather, but still, it broke my heart.

LATHER: Well, one option for the Cinnamon/Nutmeg would be to drape a yak over her shoulders and seek out Irish Spring. It worked OK for Herc. Then one of the pine-scented Amazons could take a giant soppy breadstick and whack some sense into Gabrielle. I mean, "strawberry."

SUDS: Ok, I've taken the other soaps out of the shower. (My shower is definitely a Joxer free zone) They are on their own, and I just hope they work it out before the next set of new episodes starts. If no change by then, well, it won't be pretty. The Yak and breadstick might come into play. We'll see.

{a few days later}

SUDS in a general announcement to gathered researchers: to those of you who have shared my concern for the rift between the strawberry and cinnamon/nutmeg soaps.....This morning I used the strawberry on my right side and the cinnamon/nutmeg on my left and I have an overwhelming desire to hug myself...........all is well, prisons, rifts, crusaders and 4th season aside.

LATHER: You do realize what your hygiene protocol will need to be for the Santa Monica convention (a gathering of SOAP researchers and enthusiasts), right? Dare I ask what success you've had keeping your right side off your left side, and vice versa? Perhaps you'll need to try a layering system so that the left/right contortions don't overwhelm you. I guess the question is....which soap on top?

{after more intensive research}

LATHER, pointing to the lab station warning "Stop Sipping": Suds, get out of the shower. Don't make me limit you to 20 layers. I've contacted the Body Shop about our soaping dilemmas. Customer service's Soap and Shower Gel specialist, Minyahoo, suggested that you follow this protocol to reunite your soaps:

The Reunion of Best Suds Formula

1. Ease both soaps into a hot bath. Use threat of impending giant or whatever else you can trump up.

2. Continue to pour buckets of steaming hot water into the tub.

3. Splash the area near the soaps a bit.

4. The scents should combine as the soaps turn to mush.

5. Re-mold the bar by hand. Note, you may not end up with individual soap bars as a result of this process.

I also checked with Body Shop's marketing department. Due to recent customer demand, dead yak soap bags can be purchased to safeguard your soaps from mingling inappropriately. They will be test-marketing this new product, "Yak Jackets" in Norway through the holiday season.

{during a panel entitled: Research Funding and Form vs. Foam}

SUDS: Ahh, as you can see, with good, sound, (tasty, sweet-smelling) research answers lead to new questions and one thing just leads to another. We will need to apply for grant money. Do you have any ideas as to what foundation might be interested in funding our research? I'm sure the folks at the Body Shop Research Foundation could be tapped for supplies of soap. I'm thinking Hershey's has always been a friend of science, but I personally am interested in using darker chocolates. We are accepting input as to the new study.

LATHER: Yes, a plea to Fellow SOAP Researchers: in the quest for the ultimate soap experience, keep in mind the primary function of soap is cleanliness and get your minds out of the gutter. Do not be influenced into mild subversion of your efforts by the promising darkness of the chocolate. And above all, share your progress in SOAP with fellow Merpups!

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